Dem
47
GOP
53
Here is the question we put before readers last week:
J.K. in Auckland, NZ: I'm an American expat living in New Zealand. I've been here, with my family, (wife and daughter) for nearly two decades.
My parents are in their late seventies and eighties. It's unlikely they'll be around much longer. They're at the age and health, that if I don't see them soon, I'll likely be attending a funeral. So I booked a trip back in October last year and will spend a week in February with them while they're still with us.
I haven't had much contact with them since I moved to New Zealand. The last time I saw them in person was before the pandemic and it was for only a day or two. That was particularly challenging for me, as most conversations tended to start with, "let me tell you about Obama." While my parents have always been Republicans, and I've always leaned more liberal, we always shared a fair amount of common ground. That has changed in the years as my parents have embraced MAGA and some of the worst traits that align with it.
I am hoping to hear from your readers on how I can survive being around my parents for a week.
And here some of the answers we got in response:
D.S. in Layton, UT: Last year I lost one of my dearest friends, someone with whom I have nothing but fond memories of the times we spent together. We met the year the Beatles released Abbey Road and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. He was very conservative (a Reagan Republican; Trump was a bridge too far) and I was equally far to the left—yet we never quarreled beyond Beatles-Stones type things.
We followed the example of best friends Jimmy Stewart and Henry Fonda—both of whom were regular speakers at the Republican and Democratic conventions, respectively.
When asked how people with such different political philosophies could be such close friends, Henry Fonda responded "When we talk, we don't talk about politics."
Living in a world of 24-hour news and right-wing radio it is not as easy, but it can be done. And it is worth the effort.
D.L.-O. in North Canaan, CT: I have thankfully never been in the position with family that you're in right now. However, I have been in some similar situations with friends and colleagues on occasion. My advice is to de-escalate from the moment after you give you parents both a big huge hug and say "I love you." At that point, maybe after you unpack and sit down together, you can face the situation head-on in a calm manner. I suggest saying something like "Mom and Dad, I'm aware that our political beliefs are very much at odds with each other. But I want us to have a loving and enjoyable family reunion during this visit. Having a peaceful and loving visit is the most important thing to me. So I'm asking that we mutually decide that for the duration we can agree to disagree but not argue or open ourselves up to discussing politics and bringing discomfort and conflict into our time together."
Your wording will be different, but you get the idea...
M.B. in Ward, CO: I find that it's not hard to find common ground with Trumpistas. Start out with dislike for Jeff Bezos, and you could end up agreeing with them about how awful the American oligarchs are. Trumpies don't like lefty elites. After all, who does? Start out talking about things you agree on, and the discussion can be civil and maybe even productive. Trumpies don't like moderate Republicans. So start with Mitch McConnell rather than Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO). A debate about tax cuts vs. deficit reduction could be more civilized and fruitful than one about Elon Musk. It's amazing how much common ground there is under our feet. When I love a Trumpista, I find that the effort to find that common ground is worth it, and often worthwhile. This is not to say that there won't be bumps in the road. But we're all Americans, and we really are more similar than we often realize.
R.P. in Kāneʻohe, HI: My wife and I both dearly loved her father, who sadly passed away a couple of years ago due to cancer. Although we often visited, and spent much cherished time together, the stark contrast between his political views (right-wing, Trump supporter, etc.) and those of my wife and I (Obama is, in our view, the best President of our lifetimes) was always in the background. Sometimes my wife would get especially frustrated with some of the things her father said or did. In particular, when he expressed a reluctance to getting vaccinated during the COVID-19 pandemic, it drove my wife (a PhD biologist) absolutely nuts—mostly because of how much she truly loved him and wanted him to be safe. One of the best pieces of advice my wife received during this time was from her sister (whose political affinities align closely with ours, and similarly dearly loved their father in spite of the political divide). She said to my wife, "Sometimes you just have to let the people you love be wrong."
I don't know whether this will help J.K. in Auckland survive a visit with Trumpy parents, but I have personally found it to be an extremely effective mantra to float in the back of my mind in order to keep my blood pressure down whenever I'm around people who I care about, whose views are not only different from mine, but often deeply flawed (based on logic, evidence, etc.). It allows me to transition festering frustration into something more along he lines of sympathy and compassion.
R.E. in San Dimas, CA: I understand and sympathize with what you're going through. My mother was also a Republican and a Trump supporter. She baffled me because Trump represents everything that she despised. She left this world last summer. We said goodbye on good terms but without the explanation I always wanted, which is "Why do you support someone who doesn't represent what you value most?" I know she loved me, and in the end, that's all that matters.
My suggestion on how to handle it is just enjoy being with them with the time you have left. Try to have fun and positive outings. Allow them to enjoy their grandchild, and let your daughter have the opportunity to see your parents in their true personality by trying to do some of the things that you may have enjoyed with them. Do not fall into any pointless discussion because there is no reason or justification they can formulate to explain what they believe. If your parents can't resist bringing up the subject, then just let them know how it makes you feel and that it is not the way you want to remember them. Hopefully that will stop anymore discussion on the subject.
C.W. in Visalia, CA: The best advice that I can give to anyone who has to deal with MAGA family members is to be polite, but not take the bait. Don't bring up politics or anything that hints of our culture wars. Try silence when asked about these things. I literally sat for a minute in silence when a close MAGA relative asked about a topic that I did not wish to discuss. It was awkward, but my offramp from this the topic was accepted. If your MAGA folks persist, find a reason to leave the room and cut short your stay. You have a right to your sanity. Don't try to appeal to their sense of decency or sympathy for your feelings. They will just gaslight you and claim to be the victims.
J.K. in Saint Paul, MN: Some suggestions for surviving the visit (will depend on how active they are, the weather, and what's available, and what you/they like and habits, etc.):
- Plan for outings and activities, like local gardens, conversatory, park, zoo, museums (any kind), a performance, show, game, special restaurants, etc. together.
- Play cards, board games, do puzzles or crosswords together.
- If there are any special foods they prepare, like old favorites, family recipes, etc., that they could make or teach you, that's another activity.
- Ask them about their experiences growing up, adventures as adults, family history, etc., as appropriate.
- Tell them about your adventures, their grandchild.
- If there are other family or friends you can add to the mix sometimes, try that.
- Don't watch the news or talk shows together that could set off an argument.
- Have an exit strategy—if they start on some topic that is going to result in an argument, say, "That's interesting. Have you heard about [neutral topic]?/What were you saying about [neutral subject]?" Or, "I see. I'll be right back, I need to run to the store/I gotta stretch my legs."
- Plan for at least one outing without your parents, as a breather. Everyone needs a break, it will be hard for them to be entertaining you the whole time, too.
- Quality is better than quantity. Sometimes sitting quietly is fine, or reading in the same room. Though you might have a more memorable visit if you actively spend smaller chunks of time together.
- Plan a daily exercise routine, like go for a walk/run every day, get a 2-week pass to a gym, or whatever.
J.E. in San Jose, CA: I am channeling my therapist here. Figure out what you need and work backward to get that. For me, for example, if I knew that I would not have the emotional ability to act in a way I was proud of, I would avoid the situation. But the relationship I have with my parents makes that easier: They live 8 miles from me, and I might see them once a year. It's their loss, and I am not going to make it mine.
Ultimately, only you know the answer to your question because everyone has their own relationship (or lack of) with their parents. Having said that, I hope you'll be able to clearly identify what it is YOU need by visiting THEM and then to feel empowered to take the action YOU need to take to get it.
It's not about changing other people. It's about having your needs met, even if it means staying in a hotel or staying home.
B.K.J. in San Diego, CA: I offer three suggestions:
- Compassion: Their differences aside, they are the human beings who brought you into the world and brought you up.
- Selective hearing, or passive listening: Employ simple responses like "Can't take THAT walk with you."
- When 1 and 2 are ebbing, leave the room for a bit, and blow off a little steam before returning.
Good Luck. It's not entirely their fault that media has congealed here to bring them nonstop sources of narrowness and anger (though it's probably their choice to listen).
M.S. in Newton, MA: As someone in the opposite situation (small "c" conservative with radically left relatives), we consciously choose not to discuss politics. However, if politics do creep into a conversation, there is enough mutual love to have a civil conversation up to a point, and then make a mutual decision to shift conversation off of politics into areas like family history, funny stories, discussions of beloved deceased relatives, etc.
I can't speak for you, but both of my parents have passed, and I would give anything to have a few minutes with them, even if they were aggravating argument minutes. Cherish the time you have left with them, and put aside any differences you might have. They're still your parents and I'm sure they love you. Make what might be the last time you see them count for something positive and appreciate that who you are today is in some way because of how they raised you. Even if it doesn't go perfectly, you'll know you did your best to make that visit good, and hopefully you'll be at peace when their time here on Earth ends.
E.T.C in Kapolei, HI: Well before making arrangements for the visit, get your parents to agree that the topic of "politics" is off the table for the entire visit, for their sakes and yours. Before you arrive, create a list of safe topics for discussion and bone up on them. Best wishes for a great visit!
M.M. in San Diego, CA: Ask your parents to reminisce. Ask about what was going on with them when they were adolescents and young adults. What society was like. What was the biggest news story or scandal of the day. Ask about first jobs, their favorite possessions and clothes. Get to know who they were, what their circumstances were like and what the country was like when they were young. It will be a remarkable journey.
A.S. in Renton, WA: First, expect to be exhausted.
Second, brush up on de-escalation techniques.
Third, consider telling them up-front that you are not willing to talk—or listen—about politics during your visit. They will push this boundary, of course. Enforce it by saying, "I love you AND I don't want to hear about politics." Or simply don't respond, and instead distract. Or fade from the room and return a few minutes later. Or suddenly announce that you urgently need to use the restroom. Or yawn, apologize, and plead jet lag. A fire without fuel stops burning. If they constantly have political TV or radio running, plead sensory overload. "Mom, I'd like to talk to you right now, but it's so hard for me to think with the TV on. I need your help. Could we turn it way down, or play one of your favorite musicians instead?"
Mainly though, focus on the past:
- Get all the family photos labeled with names and memories.
- Suggest a filmed driving tour of your town, with each parent separately.
- Ask them to teach you how to make your favorite childhood foods, and write down the recipes.
- Ask them for stories of when you were a kid, and film the responses. For example, what books did you want them to read to you over and over? Were you ever injured, and how did they respond? Did you have an imaginary friend?
- Do the same for stories of their childhoods, and anything they remember about their parents and ancestors. In other words, gather the family lore: "Can you tell me that story again about the time when your dad..."
- Ensure that their affairs are in order.
- Film any messages they may have for your children. These were precious to us when my children's grandfathers passed.
- Make and share with them your list of gratitude for the ways they raised you that you appreciate. Essentially, treat this opportunity as a living memorial. Say all the nice things to their faces that you would say at their funerals.
Understand that, starting with the Industrial Revolution, elderly people have been living in a different world than the one in which they gained competence. This can lead them to feel frustrated and devalued. Reminding them of their competent past—especially the parts you value—may be a good way to divert them from the grievance and outrage of their news bubble.
T.B. in Winston-Salem, NC: If I were in a similar situation, I would be on the lookout for an excuse to cancel this trip.
D.W. in Phoenix, AZ: Perhaps Valium or Paxil... to start with, and Ativan for sleepless nights wondering how not to trigger blind rage and hateful words from the people that created, nurtured and are still your parents but now not guaranteed to respect your rational ideas and choices.
If the lighter regimens are insufficient, then moving to the heavy hitters like Haldol might provide the zombie-esque affect necessary to smile and nod while your parents opine on the wisdom of giving 20-year-olds access to all data in our economy, including the ability to alter code, pissing off every other nation in the world, threatening retribution to any criticism of felon 47, making black and brown skin probable cause for criminality, taxation deigned by and for billionaires and of course complicity from every republican in these and other insults to the American way of life and making our bright future and the arc of justice unlikely.
Oh, and check for drug interactions and allergies before starting systemic medications; perhaps start with THC gummies... pretty safe.
Good luck!
K.F. in Berea, KY: You're fu**ed.
Here is the question for next week:
M.R. in Atlanta, GA, asks: I was talking to an old friend (actually Sra. Wilson, my 9th grade Spanish teacher... I'm in my 50s and we're still close!). We were commiserating about the state of the country, and started talking about how to clean up the mess we've got now. So the question: Which president from history would be the best choice to walk in and put the federal government back on track?
Submit your answers to comments@electoral-vote.com, preferably with subject line "Old Sheriff in Town"!